I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
