I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Shame - the story of my life.
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