im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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