I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
