i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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