Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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