she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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