matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
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