I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
