I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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