Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Everyone says I win the strip club
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Randomize
