yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
