I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Randomize
