guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
