ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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