My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
