the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
