my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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