he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
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