last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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