Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Randomize
