I feel like I'm in dance class right now
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
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