How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
