I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
