I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
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