Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize
