the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
