FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
