I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize