You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
