life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
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