oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Randomize
