Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Randomize
