Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
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