haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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