If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
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