I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize