i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
