to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
There's even glitter on my cock...
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