this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Randomize
