hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
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