this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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