Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
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