just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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