Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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