Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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