so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
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