somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Randomize
