Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
