i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
Randomize
