Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
