They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
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