Your face is a jimmy john
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
