fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Randomize
