At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
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