You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Semen is not good for contacts.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
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