So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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