Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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