If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
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