my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize