and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I have feelings that need drinking.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
