All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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