I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
