Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
