I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
