I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
