It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
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