When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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