how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
