i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
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