Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
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