I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
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