If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
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