Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
