Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
